Say something about gay babies.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Randomize
