so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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