Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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