i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
