okay pat passed out under dana's car
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
