I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
