All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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