So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
