you guys were way drunker than both of me
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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