My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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