You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
