More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
