Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I need a beard to bite.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
