Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
