You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
