I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
