What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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