So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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