I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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