There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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