You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
