nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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