Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
We left an ass print on the piano.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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