I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
