His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
