Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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