My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
