So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
