My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
