Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
