My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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