i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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