You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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