So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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