look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
