so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
