He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
