If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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