she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
