id be glad to
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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