can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
