i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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