I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
