you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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