I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
