Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
