just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
