Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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