i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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