yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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