Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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