my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
